


revelations

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: M/M, Season 2 Episode 15, takes place immediately after the episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:21:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23550718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “You know how angry I was, at JJ? I couldn’t believe that she let you split off like that, when neither of you knew where he had gone. You went straight into danger, by yourself and she just let you do it. What if we lost you-” and his voice is cracking now, in a way that it doesn’t usually, even when he’s upset.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 5
Kudos: 281





	revelations

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely don't really go here anymore but I wrote this like two years ago and just found it so \\_(ツ)_/¯ enjoy

Spencer is standing over a body.

No. Spencer is crouched next to a body.

No. Spencer is on the ground beside the body, because standing up is too much. 

He's killed two men now. Both of them were trying to kill him, but he got there first, both times. This man would have killed him, it's self defense-the use of reasonable force to protect oneself from the attack of an aggressor, if the defender has reason to believe they are in danger. This man would have killed him and he killed him first, but does that make him any better than the men they hunt in the first place? There were three men in that body, and as Spencer's shot made its way into the heart, Tobias had been the only one left. 

Tobias's eyes had looked so young as he asked for his mother. When the drug had sent him into flashbacks, Spencer had wanted his mother too. They were the same, him and Tobias. He may as well have killed himself. 

He's still staring blankly at his own body when the flashlights sweeping through the trees get closer and his family comes into view. Hotchner and Morgan, Gideon and Emily. They pull him to his feet, or maybe he stands up on his own. He isn't sure. He hugs Hotch first, because he's there and because he knew he'd understand that Spencer didn't actually give him up to die. He thinks he might black out briefly, because when he knows what's happening again, he's in Prentiss's arms, and he was never unsure of her ability when she joined the team, but this cements it, because she is solid and he is shaking and every moment he's hugging her, she is telling him that she's got his back. 

She lets go and he starts to fall, and suddenly Morgan is at his side. One arm wraps around his shoulders and as he starts to fall into it the other is under his knees, and Morgan is lifting him into the air. His arms are warm and Spencer finds himself leaning even more into him, and his head falls into the crook of Morgan's neck as his vision starts to fade out. The last thing he hears is Morgan's low voice, right in his ear, "I love you. Baby, I was so scared, I can't ever lose you."

He loves him too. 

He wakes up in a hospital, a little too cold under the blankets. His throat burns, and the IV in his arm hurts, and his head feels like the worst hangover he's ever had. There's a hand clutching his, and he recognizes it immediately. Morgan is asleep in a chair right next to the bed, but his left arm is outstretched, his hand clutching Spencer’s. It's warm and calloused, and the most comforting thing he's felt in a long time. 

He wants water and he wants Morgan, so he tries first to shake him awake with the hand he's already holding. Unfortunately, it not only has the IV, but it has the marks from the needle that Tobias had used, and they ache with the movement. They ache and he aches and he realizes with a start that someone has probably found the Dilaudid he tucked in his jacket pocket. He'll need to figure out how to get more, and how to hide it from his team, from Morgan.   
He knows that he could inject it much more safely than Tobias did. It's easy to make sure it doesn't hurt, the other man had just lacked the motor skills and training. 

He tries instead to feel around with his unoccupied hand, and makes contact with a slightly raised button. He presses it, hoping it will call the nurse. There’s no noise, but a few seconds later, a young woman gently opens the door, and her eyes soften when she sees him awake. 

"Hey sweetheart," she tries. "How do you feel?"

He wants to tell her that his whole body hurts, to ask her if he's back in DC or still in the south, but when he opens his mouth only a rasp comes out. 

"It's normal to be missin' your voice for a bit. You've been through a lot, it'll come back when you heal up a bit more."

He tries to convey with his eyes that he wants to know his diagnosis, that he wants to know if they found the drugs, or if there were traces of anything in his system.

These must be common questions, because she crosses the rest of the way to him, and pulls up a chair, opposite the sleeping Morgan. "You're gonna be alright," she says. "You're concussed from hittin' the floor, and you're dehydrated like I've never seen before, but you're going to be alright." She smiles at him, kind and warm. "We found traces of a drug in your system as well, but we're confident that you were only briefly exposed and that it won't impact you more than the hallucinations you already suffered." So they didn't find it in his jacket-- he'll be alright-- "We also found a few bottles in your jacket, which we disposed of, of course." 

She says it so matter-of-factly, like she hasn't taken away the most comfortable high he'd ever felt. "I'll get you some water. Your boy was worried, you know. He hasn't left your side since they brought you in in the ambulance."

She stands up to leave, but takes a second to reach across the bed and shake Morgan's shoulder gently. His head snaps up, and his eyes dart around the room before focusing on Spencer. His right hand shoots up to also grasp Spencer's, and he pulls the chair so close to the bed that his knees dig into the mattress. His warm eyes are on Spencer, and they're so piercing that he wants to squirm away. 

"Fuck." Morgan's voice is more gravelly than he's ever heard it, and it sounds broken, like he hasn't slept or eaten more than he absolutely had to. "Spencer, I was so scared. I thought he was gonna take you away, and I couldn't do anything about it." His voice breaks, and he drops his head to where his hands clasp Spencer's. "He was beating the shit out of you, and I couldn't do anything about it."

He wants to open his mouth, to tell Morgan that it was his own fault that he got caught, that Morgan couldn’t have done anything about it even if he was there. Instead, he manages a croak like a dying frog, and even after that can only force a few words out of his throat. 

“So scared,” is the best he can come up with, and his voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard, or gravel, or anything else that’s ever made him flinch away. “So scared I’d never see you again.” 

The words seem to pile up behind his tongue, like if it didn’t feel so swollen from withdrawal or dehydration or sleep then they could escape. He wants to tell Morgan that he wasn’t scared of dying because he hasn’t really cared about himself in years. He wants to tell Morgan that the only reason he kept fighting was because he knew Morgan could see him through the cameras, and that he hadn’t wanted him to see Spencer relax into death.

The first time they’d met, Morgan had been too welcoming. He made Spencer’s worst fear come true, that maybe people at the BAU would care about him as more than someone who could be useful. That maybe people would care if he stayed, or if he was eating enough or if he was sleeping okay. It made him itch then, and it makes him itch now, the idea that the rest of his team had fought to get him back, like he was valuable.

He’d always liked the idea that no matter where he was, he could disappear and no one would miss him. If things got too rough, or he got too tired, he could just up and leave without a trace. Since he was eighteen, and he sent his own mother into an institution, he had lived unattached. 

No university would care if they were suddenly missing one of the smart kids who couldn’t make friends. Before the BAU, before Morgan, he could reassure himself with that. No matter how bad things were, he could always leave, because no one would know he was gone. 

He’d never say that out loud. 

Morgan is saying his name, and he doesn’t know how long he’s been saying it but it must be a while, because now it’s interspersed with endearments and questions. (“Baby” sounds warm in Morgan’s voice because he knows it’s affectionate, and it sounds afraid because he knows Morgan only calls him that when he thinks Spencer can’t hear him.)

“Baby,” Morgan tries again. “Is it the concussion? Can you hear me? Fuck, shit, do you even know who I am-”

Spencer tries harder, and the words push themselves through his tongue. “Of course I know you. Don’t you know how severe a concussion has to be to impact-” and suddenly Morgan is a little further away, like he’s suddenly unsure of how to do this, how to navigate around Spencer’s inability to be soft for even a minute. He wants the warmth back, wants to feel like Morgan’s eyes could burn through him again, and a noise escapes him involuntarily. 

It feels like the first time he was ever vulnerable around Morgan all over again, the awkwardness and the insecurity of not knowing how to navigate another person’s feelings. They were past this, he thought, but all of a sudden he’s back to not knowing what he’s allowed to have, if he can ask to be touched or to be held. He needs it now, maybe more than he’s ever needed it before. Needs the reassurance that he is here and he is alive and that he is loved, despite how horrible the last day has been. 

Maybe Morgan sees it in his face, or maybe he says something without realizing it, but his face breaks just a little and he slides forward again, putting his hands back over Spencer’s and gently placing his head over them, breathing into the hospital sheets like he’s praying. He picks it up again after a second, and his eyes meet Spencer’s.

“You know how angry I was, at JJ? I couldn’t believe that she let you split off like that, when neither of you knew where he had gone. You went straight into danger, by yourself and she just let you do it. What if we lost you-” and his voice is cracking now, in a way that it doesn’t usually, even when he’s upset. 

More than anything, Spencer needs to be held right now, and Morgan must have read his mind because suddenly he’s opening his mouth again, and his next words are, quietly, “can I sit with you?” 

He nods, and Morgan is standing up to gently fold himself into the tiny hospital bed. It’s small enough that the entire length of his leg is pressed in a hot line against Spencer’s, and it’s incredibly solid. Morgan’s left arm comes over his shoulders, and Spencer tucks his head sideways into the crook of his neck. 

It’s not everything he wants. He wants to be back in his own bed, safe in his apartment and the space he’s created for himself. Morgan is one of the only people who’s really been in it, for more than a few minutes, and he likes it that way, likes being able to control every aspect of his environment.

Still, this is enough for now. He knows Morgan will take care of him. All he has to do is sleep, get better so he can keep earning his place with the BAU, deserve the kindness they’ve shown him.

He can feel Morgan’s breath, steady and regular, and he lets himself sink into it, closes his eyes against the harsh light of the room and tries to rest.


End file.
